Author: Katie Darden

What is that special charisma some people seem to have that allows them to quickly and easily get what they want, especially when it involves influencing or motivating other people?

Many of these motivators have learned the simple secret of making sure their own needs and desires align with the needs and desires of the people they want to influence. We can take clues from their success to insure our own.

Every day we have multiple opportunities to positively influence the choices and behaviors of the people around us:

• With our children, we may want them to do things in a particular way, like clean their rooms, do their homework before dinner, or choose friends we think are appropriate.
• At work, it may be that we want good relationships, the choice assignments, a promotion or a raise. Or, if we’re unemployed, then perhaps we may be trying to convince a prospective employer that we’re the best choice for the job.
• In our businesses, we want customers or clients to purchase from us. And to be so delighted with our products, services or opportunities that they remain customers.
• With our families or housemates we want an enjoyable, supportive environment that is safe, creative, and happy.

We may want to influence the people in our household to get along, to have a positive and helpful attitude, or to work together. So how can we have this positive impact that gets us what we want and makes sure everyone is satisfied?

First, we must be clear about what we want, why we want it, and why it’s important to us. At the same time, if we want to influence others, we need to be clear about what’s important to them, how our desires fit (or don’t fit) theirs and how what we offer fulfills their needs. This is sometimes referred to as WIIFM – “What’s In It For Me” – in other words, what is the benefit for the other person? Regardless of your own needs/desires, you can only create mutual satisfaction when the other person gets his/her needs/desires met, too.

The easiest way to discover what an individual needs or wants is to ask. And there are several ways to ask.

To understand what’s important to a particular targeted group, you can do market research in a variety of different ways – conduct surveys, contact professional associations, read or research industry trends, look through magazines and periodicals that serve the group, and contact governmental organizations associated with the group. These resources can provide both “hard” (statistical) data and “soft” (anecdotal) data.

If you are looking for work, or considering changing careers, you can use a process called “Informational Interviews”. These interviews can provide you with valuable insight about specific companies as well as industry trends. You can also use that information to your advantage when applying for a position within your desired industry. You can read a little more about Informational Interviews in our article 'Interviews that Get the Job' at http://www.careerlife.net/articles/interview1/

If you are in business you can simply ask your existing customers and clients through in-person, telephone, email or postal mail surveys. One organization I used to work for sent postage paid returnable postcards after every incoming customer service call. They also regularly called a small percentage of the clients to get additional feedback on how they were doing and what the customers thought of the product they were supporting. This gave them continuous feedback about what was working and led to improvements that kept their customers happy.

Regardless of which methods you use, the important thing is to listen carefully so you can identify what the other person wants.

A friend recently recounted a conversation he and his daughter overheard in a coffee shop. Sitting next to them were two men, an older gentleman and a younger one in his mid to late 20s. My friends were on a trip, it was late, so they were having a quiet dinner. They noticed the two men, but didn’t pay attention to the conversation at first. Then they began to notice that the younger man started dominating the conversation.

Every time the older man would start to say something, the younger one would interrupt and talk insistently for a period of time. So they began to listen to the content.

My friend shared with me that it became obvious the younger man wanted a job with the older man and was trying to convince him of what a great employee he would be.

My friend, an entrepreneur and small businessman, said the younger man never gave the older man a chance to talk. My friend’s teenage daughter observed that it was as though the younger man didn’t know when to stop, and that he didn’t realize he was ruining whatever chances he might have had. She said it was obvious the older man was getting bored and wanted to leave, but the younger one kept trying to convince the older one.

This is a perfect example of someone who was disconnected both from the conversation and the needs of the other person. And an example where asking the right questions might have made a huge difference. But, only if the younger man had also taken the time to listen carefully to what the older man needed.

Instead, he seemed to make the classic mistakes of being so busy formulating answers that he didn’t really hear what the other person was saying, and of assuming he knew what was going to be said (therefore jumping in and not letting the other person complete his thoughts). The young man's need to dominate the conversation and to keep pressing his own agenda had the opposite effect from the goal he wanted.

How much more effective could this young man have been by setting aside his own urgency and focusing instead on finding out what the older man needed or wanted in an employee or on a larger scale, for his business?

When you encourage a dialogue, you create a relationship with the other person, allowing them to be an active participant. They are more likely to feel you have heard their concerns. And they will feel they have choices instead of feeling pressured or “sold”.

A dialogue is much more likely to give you the information you need to assist the other person in making a decision that will result in both of you having more of what you want. Or, conversely, in recognizing that your opportunity does not fit for this person in this situation.

As you more fully understand the needs and desires of the people around you, you will be in a better position to demonstrate how your solutions fulfill their business, career or lifestyle needs. And, you will be building relationships with people – which will ultimately ensure you also get what you want in return.

©2003 Katie Darden, Career Life Institute